16 January, 2012

Used Cars



John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?


Bryan : Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.


John: You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?


Bryan : You know...... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.


John: You mean like a Howard?


Bryan : Yeah...a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.


John: So.... you used to have one?


Bryan : Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I've ever made.


John: What happened?


Bryan : Traded him in for a Kevin 07.


John: Big mistake.


Bryan : Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.


John: How was the Kevin 07?


Bryan : Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.


John: Anything else?


Bryan : Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.


John: Didn't stick around for long did it?


Bryan : Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.


John: What was the problem?


Bryan : Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.


John: Whatcha got now?


Bryan : It's a Gillard-Brown

John: The hybrid?

Bryan : Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.


John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?


Bryan : The Fustercluck model.


John: The only one they made, Bryan . Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?


Bryan : Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.
John: So that's why you're here?


Bryan : That's right. I'm stuck with a car that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don't suppose you've heard of the "Cash for Clunkers" scheme?


John: Join the queue brother.


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